The Incredible You
by Novelist Pup
Summary: AU: Top model Yuu Kanda gets stuck with famous actor Allen Walker, and they can't seem to get along... outside the modeling set, anyway. But that's okay, they'll have to warm up to each other at some point... but not now. :KandaAllen: :Hiatus forever:
1. America's Top Model

**The Incredible You**

Dedicated to my BFF, Emiggax, for this delicious piece of genius.

**Disclaimer: I do not own.**

* * *

_Chapter 1_: America's Top Model

_Flash_

"A little more to the left, Yuu… Perfect!"

_Flash, Flash_

"Now flex those arms! Sexy, please!"

_Flash, Flash_

"Are you even _trying_? C'mon, work it!"

_Flash_

"Only a few pictures left! Now run your fingers up your stomach… Oh yeah, that's great!"

_Flash, Flash, Flash_

"If I were to look up sexy in the dictionary right now, your face would be the fucking picture!"

"Why don't _you_ shut the fuck up and let me fucking pose?!" the eighteen-year-old roared.

Lavi smirked. "Oh, but you aren't at the top of your game, Yuu-bear!" he cooed, snapping another picture at random. Yuu Kanda growled at the redhead and made choking motions with his hands. Lavi dodged skillfully, snapping pictures at random intervals while Kanda tried to attack him.

Yuu Kanda was a model of Japanese descent and eighteen years of age. He was the best model in America. In fact, the best of the best, to be specific. Kanda was so sexy that the one time he ate a chili cheeseburger in public; people had fainting spells just watching the chili, melted cheese, and ketchup dribble down his chin uncontrollably.

(Kanda never ate a burger in public ever again. He wouldn't admit it, but he was kind of scared of those people who watch him eat. It freaks him the fuck out.)

Lavi was Kanda's (unspoken) favorite photographer and also eighteen-years-old. A bit unorthodox, but he was in fact the best in the business. You could've been doing something disgusting, like playing in the mud, and he would've still managed to make you look so good that mud playing would be a national pastime for any who saw your face.

(It is rumored that Lavi was the inventor of mud-wrestling, but no one really knows.)

"How many times have I told you _not_ to call me that?!" the black-haired model snarled. Lavi chortled.

"Today or yesterday?" he teased. Kanda's eye twitched slightly before he gritted his teeth.

"Am I done for today?" he asked tersely. Lavi checked his camera.

"Almost, and tomorrow we'll be working with something a bit _new_, okay?" he said, scrolling through the pictures with a smile.

"Well, I'm taking a break!" he snapped. Lavi pouted.

"You just took a break, twenty minutes ago!" he whined. Kanda flipped him the middle finger and walked out the studio. He wandered around until he reached his destination, and he ignored the other models as he grabbed a mug and filled it with scorching hot black coffee.

"…and I heard that an actor was coming over today, to pose for that über awesome magazine!" Kanda heard some over-exuberant model whisper loudly. His companion gasped loudly, and covered his mouth with his hands.

"No_way_! Which magazine?"

"_CURSED_, that popular teen mag, you know?"

"Oh…my…_GOD_! No freakin' way!"

"Way!"

"Oh my God, oh my God, do you know the actor?"

"Yeah, it's--!"

And Kanda couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey, do you guys mind?" he growled. The first model looked at him critically.

"Sweetie, we haven't done a _damn_ thing to you!" he retorted, snapping his fingers in a camp manner. The other model nodded.

"Yeah, nothing to you!"

Kanda rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to drink my fucking coffee, and you fucking fags are fucking gossiping about fucking actors and other fucking fag fagness!"

Model Number 2 looked confused. "Is fagness even a word?"

Model Number 1 blinked. "Actually, I don't think so,"

Kanda snorted. "Damn you guys are stupid; of course it's not a word!"

Model Number 1 looked offended. "Well _excuuuuse_ me!" he spat, cocking his hips to the side and snapping his fingers in Kanda's face.

Kanda dumped the rest of his coffee on that one model's head.

"Don't snap your fingers in my face, fag," he snarled, crushing the cup in his hands. He threw the remains at Model Number 2 and walked off as the man worried over the soaked model.

He walked back into the studio, scowling unhappily. Lavi waved at him from his spot with another man next to him.

"Hey, Yuu-bear!" he called. Kanda stalked over to him, hands posed in_choking action_. Lavi chuckled and waved a hand in his defense.

"C'mon Yuu-bear, you wouldn't want to hurt me in front of a _witness_, would you?" he asked cheekily. Kanda rolled his eyes.

"Actually, I wouldn't really care." And Lavi grinned, jabbing a thumb at the tall, red-haired man next to him. Kanda looked at the man in disinterest, noting one thing that stood out the most about him.

The half-mask on his face made him look creepier than most people would.

"This is Cross Marian, and he'll be joining us today for a photo session."

Cross reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette. "I'll be joining you for a month, you mean," he lit the cigarette. "Along with my client, Allen Walker."

Allen Walker, Kanda thought, where had he heard that name before? Either way, this Cross Marian character looked utterly too shady to be trusted.

Lavi smirked, waggling his eyebrows. Chances are that he probably winked, but no one could really tell when you've got one eye. "Be _nice_, Yuu-bear!"

Kanda wasn't born to be nice.

"Fuck that," he spat. "Why doesn't anyone fucking tell me anything? I_think_ it'd be kind of nice to know if someone was coming in, or shit like that!"

The photographer scratched his chin. "…I wanted it to be a surprise?"

"Of course you did, you goofy fucker."

Cross cocked an eyebrow. "Such a dirty mouth for a girly looking boy," he commented.

Kanda stopped.

Everything about him just _paused_.

Even his hair stopped in motion.

And he turned around, very slowly.

"Repeat," he stated.

Cross snickered. "Ooh, did I strike a nerve, sweetheart?"

Kanda looked at him. "I think I'm going to kill you now," he announced.

Lavi laughed. "No you aren't. You're going to go meet Allen Walker at the entrance and lead him here, _then_ I suggest you find a dark alley and get Cross there!" And he pushed Kanda out the studio, slamming the door behind the black-haired man.

Kanda looked incredulous at the door.

"What…the hell?" he wondered aloud. He made a move towards the stairs and trotted down the ten stories (because activity and exercise was the closet thing to a happy place he could get). When he reached the lobby, he searched around for someone who looked like an 'Allen Walker'.

As he was searching, a hand pulled on his sleeve.

"Mister,"

Kanda was much too concentrated to _not_ look away from the entrance.

"Hey, mister,"

He was dedicated like that. It made him an almost admirable person.

"_Mis_ter,"

Only a few people could dedicate themselves like Kanda. He was, like, the most dedicated dedicating dedicator that ever could dedicate.

"Mister!"

"_What_?" Kanda growled. A boy, younger than him obviously, looked up at him, his blue eyes wide and innocent looking. Kanda subconsciously almost squinted his left eye, due to the painful looking scar on the boy's eye.

Kanda looked closely at the boy.

And then he grabbed the kid's shoulder.

"Someone has lost their child!" he called out. "If you're missing a kid, he's right here!"

The boy wrenched his hand of his shoulder with surprising strength. "I'm not a child!" the kid snapped. "I'm here as a matter of business!"

Kanda snorted a laugh. "Yeah right. You, Shortie?"

The boy scowled. "I'm serious! I'm here for a photo shoot!"

"For what? Kiddy clothes?"

"My manager, Cross Marian, told me to come here!"

Kanda paused in his thoughts. Wasn't Cross that sarcastic fucker who was talking with Lavi? And didn't Lavi send Kanda down here to lead Cross' client to the studio?

"Damn, you must be Allen Walker then."

**END 1**

I feel awkward writing another story when I've got so many more to update, but my friend wanted me to write this.

The idea was so genius that I couldn't pass it up, and now you know.


	2. Working It

**The Incredible You**

_

* * *

Chapter Two:_ Working It 

"So this is Allen Walker, huh?" Lavi wondered aloud as he circled the young man. Kanda just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"How old are ya, kid?" asked the one-eyed photographer.

Allen looked nervous. "I'm fifteen, sir," he answered.

The Japanese model had to refrain from snorting, but Lavi didn't.

"Kid, I'm only eighteen. Calling me sir is an insult, in my books." Lavi said. Allen nodded.

"My apologies. What do I call you then?"

"The One-Eyed Sexy Beast, of course. Or Lavi, but it's not recommended."

"Okay Lavi."

The young redhead looked sad that Allen didn't call him a sexy beast, but brightened up after a few seconds. He made a motion at Kanda, telling the older teen to come towards them.

Lavi coughed into his fist and grinned. "Allen, this is Yuu Kanda, the—"

"—top model in America? I know. I'm actually a fan." Allen said.

Kanda glared at him. "…I don't like you," he muttered.

Lavi sighed with an air of a frustrated babysitter. "Why the hell not, Kanda?"

"He's too fucking happy," Kanda replied. "All smiles and giggles and shit. I bet if you punched him in the face, he wouldn't stop smiling."

Cross sniggered from his seat off the set. "He may have a point there."

Allen looked annoyed. "I had no idea you were such a jerk," he said irritably.

Kanda shrugged. "It comes with the package."

"Speaking of package, it's time to get back to the poses, Kanda," Lavi instructed. Allen refrained from asking what did the word package have to do with that, but he feared he wouldn't like the answer. Kanda moved towards the blinds that made up the basic entourage of a closet and turned back around.

"What am I wearing?" he asked.

Lavi smirked. "Business Sweetheart, _Innocence_ Brand."

Kanda groaned and went behind the blinds. Allen fiddled lightly with his shirt sleeves and looked at Cross. The red-haired man was reading a bible, but he saw the telltale edge of a magazine between the pages. It was probably porn, knowing the man.

"Ah, Allen!" Lavi exclaimed. "Seeing as how you say you're a fan of Kanda himself, you may not want a chance to miss this!" he waved excitedly at the opening curtains, where Kanda stepped out, looking as irritable as ever.

Allen had to admit, though, that the outfit _was_ rather tasteful. The Japanese man donned a crisp blue suit, a white suit underneath and the blue and white tie hanging limply around his shoulders. His black hair was down, but brushed back for a more professional look.

Lavi grinned. "Now, watch my magic, kid!" he crowed as Kanda moved onto the pale gray set.

Immediately, the man struck a pose. His hands were put on his hips and he stood stock-still, looking directly at the camera.

_FLASH_

Allen blushed at the picture on Lavi's screen. "Wow, that's a _really_ good picture!" he complimented. Kanda may have looked really good on the set, but he looked _tons_ better with Lavi's photography skills.

"Another, Yuu-bear!" the redhead called.

"Don't call me that!"

"Ah, you know you _love_ me!"

Kanda hung his thumbs through the waistband of his dress pants and looked away from the camera, still scowling.

_FLASH_

"The girls eat up his expressions!" Lavi explained. "They think he's 'Soooo cool' and 'Soooo dark and mysterious'!"

Allen nodded. "I can see why."

Kanda then grabbed the jacket edges and the edges of the buttoned up shirt.

"Ready?" he asked tersely.

Lavi grinned and Allen wondered what was about to happen.

"Ready, Yuu!"

And Kanda ripped the shirt and jacket open, exposing his chest.

_FLASH_

Lavi smirked and showed the white-haired boy the picture, making the young actor gasp at the pure emotion captured in the one photo. He even got a few buttons flying off in the picture, as Kanda bit his bottom lip in the process.

Cross whistled. "Now _that_ is sexy!" he called. Everyone stopped and looked at him oddly. He looked offended.

"I was _talking_ about the book of Genesis," he said, pointing at his bible. Allen smacked his forehead as the other two nodded in understanding. The porn was obviously there, or could they have been blind?

The photographer coughed. "Right, back onto the pictures, Yuu-babe!"

"Stop calling me those god-awful names!"

"Right. Whatever, just get ready to pose."

Kanda grumbled and fell to the ground on his knees, hand trailing up his bare toned abs. He smirked just for the hell of it.

_FLASH _

_FLASH_

"I smell a fat paycheck!" Lavi sung, snapping more pictures as Kanda's pose got more provocative. "The ladies'll _love_ this!"

Allen felt his face heat up as the attractive man continued to run his hand over his pale bare skin. He covered his face with his gloved hands as his thoughts began to trail off of what a proper heterosexual young man should be thinking.

Lavi smiled at Allen, making the boy blush even more. "Don't look away, kid!" he exclaimed. "It gets even better!"

Kanda shrugged off the ripped shirt and the jacket slowly.

_FLASH_

_FLASH_

"Bea_uuuu_tiful Yuu!" Lavi gasped. "All we need is a fan, and we could make you look like you're gone with the wind or some sentimental shit like that."

Kanda sniggered. "Yeah, I bet they would love _that_…" he commented while the clothes slipped off his arms and fell to the ground.

_FLASH_

The model scowled. "I wasn't ready for that one, you moron!" he snarled.

Lavi waved the camera around playfully. "The best photographers don't need consent to make their pictures look good," he replied, showing Allen the surprise picture. In the photo, a small smile lingered on Kanda's face as he stood shirtless and rubbing his arms, his hair falling of his shoulders and the bangs lightly covering his eyes.

"You _really_ are good, Lavi!" the boy said in amazement. Lavi smirked.

"The best, kiddo!"

_FLASH_

And he snapped a picture of Allen's face. He whistled at the preview picture and showed it to the boy.

"Picture perfect, man!" he said excitedly. Allen grinned at the way his expression conveyed sudden surprise.

"I looked horrible on my eighth grade picture and I was prepared for that one… how can you make me look so good without me even being ready?" the white-haired boy asked.

Lavi laughed. "I told Kanda that the best photographers don't need permission to make the model look good, and this applies to you too, ya cute little actor!" he pinched Allen's cheek, chuckling as the boy batted his hands away.

The one-eyed man then pushed Allen harshly onto the set, making the teen trip over a light cord and fall over on Kanda.

"What the _fuck_?!" the Japanese man mumbled as they both fell down, since the boy was heavier than he looked.

_FLASH_

"Mmm… _sexy_!" Lavi purred. He snapped his fingers at Cross who almost jumped at the sudden motion.

"Oh yeah, _very_ sexy…" he muttered blandly from his half finished cigarette.

Lavi rolled his eyes. "Dude, come over here for a moment!" he called. Cross grumbled and threw his bible on the chair, a thin magazine slipping out from between the pages. Allen groaned as the man went back and stuffed the magazine in his jacket. Lavi grinned and showed the man the picture.

Cross stared at the picture. "…Hmm."

The one-eyed photographer smirked. "So, do we have a deal?"

"Definitely. Where do I sign the contract?"

"Just let me ring up Komui and you'll be penning it down in _no_ time!"

Kanda watched the events in disgust. He looked at the young teen on his lap and sneered.

"What the fuck're _you_ looking at?" he growled.

Allen rolled his eyes and got off of the irritable model, brushing off his clothes. Kanda got up and stretched his arms, flexing his muscles subconsciously. Allen looked away immediately.

"Does that fucker normally do that?" Kanda asked after a while.

Allen blinked. "Do what, exactly?"

"Sell you off without consulting you,"

"Oh yeah. All the time even."

Kanda cocked an eyebrow. "Huh, well, I think you just got sold off again."

Allen smacked his forehead. "_Darn it_!" he muttered.

Kanda smirked. "Get used to reality kid; people are going to do that kid of shit if you just let them."

Allen shrugged.

"I get paid a lot of money for each movie he gets me in. I like to think it's worth it."

The Japanese man stared at him.

And then he waved him off as he began to walk off. He had to get ready to intercept Cross in a dark alley, of course.

"I guess you've got a point there, bean sprout."

**END 2**

* * *

Eh, I write a lot of crap at one time. I was totally writing, like, five other fucking stories while writing this one at the same time. I guess I'm trying to accomplish something by writing so much.

Well, who _cares_? I got POCKY!


	3. Quarter Pounder

**The Incredible You**

For the record, almost everything I know about supermodels comes from Wikipedia and _Miss Congeniality_. All the other facts come from watching shows like _America's Next Top Model__, Gravitation,_ and _Mirage of BLA-A-AZE_ (seriously, ninjas don't wear leather pants).

My warning is that my characterization of Kanda is like the super bastardization of all of these resources. Allen's characterization is based off the anime and Antonio Banderas. Yes, I am aware how much those two have to do with each other.

* * *

_Chapter Three – Quarter-Pounder_

"I'm leaving," Kanda announced as he put on a black cap and put his ponytail underneath his fashionably gray buttoned shirt.

Lavi grinned. "Right then, I'll call you later tonight to discuss tomorrow's activities," he replied. Kanda grunted and made his way towards the door.

"Wait a minute, Yuu," Lavi called. Kanda turned around and only had a second before he caught something black and plastic in his hand. "Girls can recognize your dark and mysterious eyes _anywhere_, Yuu."

Kanda smirked and slipped on the dark sunglasses. "I can't help it," he retorted. "My living is made off of my dark and mysterious eyes, my long flowing hair, my sharp, angular face, and my fit body."

"Oh please, don't be humble," Lavi said blandly, smiling brightly. "And remember Kanda, if you want to keep up that _fit body_ of yours, stay the hell away from the McJeryy's."

"_Shit._" Kanda muttered, going out the room quickly.

Lavi turned back to Allen and Cross. "So, any questions? Concerns? Comments?"

Allen raised his hand. "Are models _really_ not allowed fast food?" he asked in fear.

"Well…_no_. Unless you're getting an extremely healthy salad or you're a plus-size model, then you're screwed." Lavi answered, coursing through his camera and observing the photos.

Cross shut his bible closed with one hand. "How unfortunate," he stated, not sounding sorry at all. "Looks like we'll have to throw away all those fast food coupons and delete all of Pizza House's numbers from your phone. Starting today, no more junk food. We're going the vege-diet way. If I find out that you're even three miles in the distance of _any_ McJeryy's, you will be punished."

Allen freaked out. "_NO!_ I'm nothing without my food!" he exclaimed.

The one-eyed photographer smirked. "Actually, you're sexier when you give up trivial things like fat. Just look at Kanda, he hasn't eaten fast food for six months and he's as fit as a fiddle!"

-------------

"Can I get the double Quarter-Pounder?" a young man wearing a cap and dark shades asked, whispering.

The cashier looked at him oddly. "Sir, could you repeat that? You're talking too quietly for me to understand…" the freckled teen replied slowly.

Kanda looked around the restaurant quirkily and leaned in closer. "I want the damn double Quarter-Pounder," he snarled, his eyebrows furrowing in annoyance. He paused. "Oh, and a large order of fries."

The cashier looked blandly at him. "…Do you want fries with that?" he asked.

The Japanese model twitched. "I just said I wanted fries."

"Sorry sir, I didn't hear you. Are you a criminal or something? 'Cuz you keep looking around and whispering and you look pretty damn suspicious."

"Why the fuck would you care if I'm a criminal or not? I'm fucking paying you, so give me my fucking burger and my fucking fries!" Kanda stated dangerously. The cashier looked frightened.

"Sir, I'd suggest that you don't get volatile, or I WILL call the police."

The model in disguise clenched the countertop angrily. "Oh yeah? Well FUCK the po—" And he was pushed out the way by a shorter person wearing a black cap and black sunglasses as well, his white hair vaguely shown at the nape of his neck.

"I need every single double Quarter-Pounder you have!" the pusher demanded. "There's no telling when I might get to eat them again!"

Kanda bared his teeth. "Hey, you—"

The stranger cut him off. "On the double, _please_!" he rushed. Kanda felt his fists shaking with _rage_.

"Fucker, look this way," he growled.

The stranger looked over in his direction. "Oh, am I in your way?" he asked genuinely.

Kanda released a roar of anger and tackled the burger-thief, not caring about publically social etiquette.

He wasn't a very social person _anyway_.

Right before he could get a punch in, the stranger's hat and glasses fell off, exposing a face that he was familiar with only because it pissed him off.

"Kid?" he asked incredulously. Allen smiled warily and they both looked up and around, seeing the other patrons shocked looks and amazed gazes.

"Is that Allen Walker?" one person whispered.

Allen paled.

"I think it _is_ Allen Walker… Oh my God, it's Allen Walker!"

Kanda barely held his cap on his head as the white-haired teenager jumped up and tried to run to the door, only to be stopped by an entire row of _fans_ in front of the glass door. The Japanese model watched in amusement as the actor tried to move away, only to be followed by several people all around him.

The white-haired boy looked around and spotted Kanda, who stood in front of the counter with a smirk on his over-pleased face.

"_Help me_," he mouthed.

Kanda just laughed at him.

Allen rolled his eyes, and prayed to God that he'd survive what he was about to do.

"Hey, chaps!" he yelled, reverting back to his British accent. "I believe there's someone else here that'll suit your fancy much more than I!"

"Impossible!" one person retorted. "I absolutely _loved_ your performance in _Black Arm_, it was fabulous!"

"Me too!"

"I was so much more enamored with your roll as Jake in _Tears for Fears_, I cried so hard that night!"

"Ugh! _Steep Way Down_ was _so_ much more touching than _Tears for Fears_!"

"Are you kidding? What about _Cursed Eye_ and the sequel, _Red Years_?! Those were _amazing_!"

Kanda felt one of his eyebrows cock at Allen. _How many movies has this kid starred in? Isn't he, like, twelve or something?_

Allen waved his gloved hand in embarrassment. "Oh, you make me blush!" he replied honestly. "But he's going to make _you_ blush more!"

And he tackled Kanda, grabbing the cap and the glasses off of the model and immediately moving away.

Kanda stood up, the light from the overhead lights hurting his commonly shaded eyes. "Ow, fuck _damn it_, what'd you do that for!?"

"Oh my God it's YUU KANDA!"

Kanda looked at the crowd who stared at him and Allen in absolute hero worship.

"_Shit_," he muttered and jumped over the counter. The cashier backed off, startled, and watched with an unveiled "what the fuck" face as Allen hopped over the counter as well.

"Sirs, I don't care if you're famous, you're not allowed back here!" he scolded weakly, but the two were already climbing out the drive-thru window.

The cashier huffed and smiled to himself as he deleted the order off his cash register.

"I just told off a world-famous actor and a world-famous model!"

---------------

"This…is all…your…fault…" Kanda breathed gruffly as he and Allen caught their breath in front of the Holiday Outt hotel. They walked inside and went straight for the gift store.

Allen rolled his eyes. "Well, we wouldn't have _been_ in the situation if you hadn't of tackled me!" he replied, trying on a red **I LOVE NEW YORK** cap. He decided against it and just got a plain black beanie along with a pair of black sunglasses.

Kanda got another black cap and some blue shades. "You pushed me out the way and took my double Quarter-Pounder with fries!" he snapped. Allen moved towards the cash register.

"No, I didn't, because we BOTH had to get out of there before we got mauled, so NOBODY got their food!" Allen retorted, paying for the items and cautiously watching the starry-eyed cashier.

The model snarled and paid for his new disguise items. The cashier almost _fainted_ when she touched Kanda's hand to take the money.

Both the actor and the model donned their new disguises and walked swiftly out the hotel.

Allen looked up at Kanda, who was scowling as angrily as ever.

"So, what do we do now?"

**END 3**

* * *

I'm a big fan of VH1, and I must say that **I LOVE NEW YORK** is the single most hilarious show I've seen since Scrubs.

Seriously.


	4. I'm Loving It

**The Incredible You**

* * *

_Chapter Four – _I'm Loving It

"Why the hell're you asking _me_ what are we going to do now?" Kanda snapped. "It's your fault in the first place!"

Allen rolled his eyes. "If I say it's my fault, would you _shut up about it_?"

"No, because you must be this tall for me to not bitch at you."

"You are absolutely _insufferable_!"

_GNAW_

A loud chomping sound was heard and something gold shined on the top of Allen's beanie cap. Kanda looked at it in almost horror.

"What…the fuck…is _that_?" he asked warily.

Allen grabbed a small, thin golden rope that connected to the _thing_ and tugged it off his head. The thing plopped into his palm, large teeth gnawing at his leather gloved hand. Its small wings fluttered in delight.

"This little guy is my cell phone, Timcampy," Allen replied, poking at Timcampy's head with his index finger. "He's the only one with prepaid games, mobile-to-mobile, and he does long-distance and texting too."

"Your…cell phone?"

"Yeah, Golem Mobile. It's a very efficient company, even better than V Mobile, if I must say."

Kanda stared at him from behind his dark sunglasses. "Yeah… shut up," he said, pulling out his wildly vibrating cell phone from his back jean pocket. "Yuu Kanda here," he answered automatically.

He cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah, so what if I was? ... No, I don't care about tabloids. … If course not, you moron! … No, I refuse to say sorry to someone more than five inches shorter than me. … Yes, he is. He's a damn _bean sprout_ for God's sake! … Yeah. Yeah, I understand. … Whatever, Komui, leave me the hell alone, I'm hungry." And he pressed **End**.

Kanda turned back to Allen. "I'm ditching you now," he informed, and turned around. Allen paled.

"Wait, don't leave me alone with that man!" he cried.

Kanda halted. "What the hell are you talking about?" he asked incredulously.

"Cross! Now that it's out in the public that I've been in the McJeryy's, he'll _get me_, Kanda!"

"Ah." He turned back around. Allen trotted behind him, looking distressed.

"You don't even care?" he asked.

"Uh, _no_. Why should I? Its like, you piss me off, you take my food, and now you want me to take you _in_?" The model snorted. "You must be crazy."

Allen looked crestfallen.

And then Kanda's phone began rapidly vibrating again.

"Yuu Kanda, here."

"_Hello __Yuu__, how are you?_" a sinister sounding voice asked evilly.

Kanda frowned. "I'm…fine?" he replied cautiously.

The person on the other line laughed. "_Dude, __its__ Lavi. Just wanted to freak you out for a bit, as your ultimate PUNISHMENT._" Lavi chortled evilly.

"I think I'm going to kill you now."

"_Yeah, yeah, whatever__. Geez, is Allen with you?_"

"Yeah, the kid's right here."

"_Well, tell Allen that Cross said that 'when the damn thing bites you, you're supposed to ANSWER it!' Do you know what he might be talking about?_" Lavi asked.

Kanda looked at Timcampy, who nibbled on Allen's beanie cap once more. "Nope, I haven't got a damn idea."

"_Uh huh, sure. Oh, and tell Allen that Cross said he is not to come home until __he has emptied all the sin from his system. Which means that you'll be taking him home with you."_

"What?! Why?!"

"_Because __Komui__ said so, and if you don't, he'll give you bodyguards again._"

Kanda hated many things.

Bodyguards wereat the top of that list.

He growled and pressed **End**.

"You're coming with me," he snarled at Allen. "Oh, and that creepy masked fucker said that the when the damn thing bites you, you're supposed to answer it. He also said that you can come back home until you've cleansed yourself of sin or some shit like that."

Allen smiled. "I knew you had a heart!" he said happily.

Kanda scowled. "I'm only taking you with me because I was threatened with something horrible if I didn't."

"Oh. But you're taking me with you, and that's _all_ that matters!"

_GODDAMN THIS KID TO HELL!_ "Whatever, you better keep up, you brat."

----------------------------------------

"I'm loving your car…" Allen whispered, touching the cool, black metal with a cautious hand.

Kanda snorted. "Don't orgasm on it, please," he replied, opening the door on the driver's side. Allen hopped in the passenger seat and buckled in himself.

The Japanese model smirked at him. "Uh uh, bean sprout. You've got to get in the _back_."

"What are you talking about?"

Kanda flipped down the sun shield, pointing at the sewn in note.

"'_For your safety, we advise all children twelve years of age and young to sit in the back_'" Allen read, confused. "What does this have to do with me?"

"You're ten, right?" the model asked. "I like to follow the rules. Now get in the back."

"I'm _fifteen_, you jerk!"

Kanda started the car. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"No! I'm fifteen-years-old!" the white-haired boy pulled out his wallet. "I've even got my Learner's Permit!"

"Hmm. I guess you can stay in the front seat, for _now_ at least."

Allen just shook his head, pouting for the entire car ride.

He'd show that over-attractive model who was boss!

----------------------------------------

"Take off your shoes, bean sprout." Kanda commanded, slipping off his own at the ominous **NOT WELCOME** mat on the ground. Allen complied, and looked around the apartment in awe.

"I'm loving your studio apartment!" he exclaimed, padding across the floor to poke at the new-looking leather couch.

"Don't touch any of my shit," the Japanese man warned. "It cost more than you do."

Allen pouted and plopped on the couch.

"Can I watch the telly?"

"No. You can sit there."

"Can I read a magazine?"

"No, you can _sit there_."

"What can I do then?"

Kanda rolled his eyes. "Guess."

Soon, a banging was heard at the door.

Kanda sighed. "God _damn_," he grumbled and he opened the door to a one-eyed redhead and a pretty Asian girl.

"Lavi, Lenalee, what brings you to my home?" but before they could answer, Kanda held up a hand. "Wait, never mind, _I don't care._ Get the hell out!" And he slammed the door in their faces. He walked into the kitchen and began to search his cabinets, mumbling angrily the entire time.

Allen watched the events in wonder. "Is that how I'm going to be when I grow up?" he asked in awe.

"For God's sake, I hope not, kid." A familiar voice replied, and Lavi plopped down next to him. "Yuu's a mean one, a _really_ mean one. You're sweet, like a cupcake!" And he pinched at Allen's cheeks, grinning all the while.

"How did you guys get in here anyway?" the fifteen-year-old asked rubbing his cheeks.

"Ah, Lenalee's got a spare key. Kanda trusts her like that. Of course, I _used_ to have a special key to Kanda's special haven… but I lost it. Oh well."

"Hey kid!" the Asian girl exclaimed, sitting down next to Allen. "I don't think we've met. I'm Lenalee Lee."

Allen smiled. "Allen Walker. Are you, by any chance, a model?" he asked.

Lenalee chuckled. "You flatter me. Yes, I am a model. Kanda and I have done quite a few pictures together, don't you know?"

"It's only because you're the only one I'll work with." The grumpy Japanese man stated, standing in front of the three. "What the hell are you guys doing here?"

Lavi smirked. "What else?" he pulled out his phone and dialed a number at an impossibly fast speed.

"Hey, Pizza House? Let me get…"

Lenalee smiled. "We came to have a small party for Allen in congratulations to getting on the team."

Kanda scowled. "What the hell are you talking about, woman?" he demanded, crossing his arms.

Allen nodded. "What he said."

"Oh, you guys didn't know?" the female model asked. They shook their heads. "It's been decided that Allen's going to be modeling with our company for a while. And YOU, Kanda, get to be his partner!" she swooned. "Isn't this _great_?"

Kanda stared at Allen, open mouthed.

Allen looked back up at Kanda in absolute horror.

"Oh shit…" the British boy said first, Kanda stomping off in the direction of the hallway.

Lavi put an arm around Allen's shell shocked shoulders. "I hope you like meat and sleepovers!" he crowed.

"Oh _shit_…"

And that was all he said.

**END 4**

* * *

And then the story gets to the point.

YAYZORZ.


	5. Can't Dig it?

**The Incredible You**

Hi. This is Kaza, your beloved fanfic writing RPG-geek. I also just so happen to be the author of this fanfic, but that isn't the important thing right now.

I'd like to apologize for the inconvenience of the modeling descriptions, as they look, sound, and are very, _very_ awkward. Seriously, I do not feel right when I make the sentence say "he touched himself". I, in fact, feel very wrong, much like many of you might.

And so, I blame it all on Kanda.

Thank you, and have a good read.

_

* * *

Chapter Five – __Can't Dig It?_

When Allen woke up the next morning, he almost had a panic attack at the unfamiliar surroundings. And then he remembered the day before, with all the fast food misadventures and such. Lavi slept soundly on the floor, a pizza box covering his face.

The white-haired teen grimaced as he remembered the deceivingly healthy pizza he ate unknowingly.

Seriously, broccoli, pineapple, and veggie-meat pizza with soy cheese?

_Note to self: Lavi will NEVER, EVER order ANY of my food. __EVER._ Allen thought as he got up and stretched.

"Eh, bean sprout, you're awake." A deep voice grumbled from above him. Allen looked up and saw a mean face with long, flowing black hair falling over the shoulders.

"Oh, hi jerk-uh, Kanda." Allen greeted cheerfully. "How are you this morning?"

"Shitty, because you're still here." Kanda replied, crossing his arms over his bare chest. "You can help me get happy by getting the fuck out."

"Let's not be too hasty," the actor reasoned. "It's only the early morning, for I _couldn't_ have done something to irritate you already."

The Japanese man snorted. "Kid, you're _smiling_. That's enough to fuck up my day."

"What's wrong with smiling?"

"I hate smiles, smiling, grins, all the works. My house is an anti-smiling zone, brat. Now get frowning!"

Allen's smile dropped immediately.

Kanda glared weakly. "That's better. Now clean my fucking living room up, you goddamn freeloaders!" he growled, waking up a certain photographer.

Lavi groaned as he heaved his body up, the pizza box still on his head. "Why do we gotta clean?" he whined. "It's _your_ apartment!"

"You have to clean because you made a mess. I, on the other hand, was in my _kitchen_ trying to meditate as you assholes frolicked about, messing up my goddamn house!" Kanda snapped.

Allen got up, dusting off his pants legs. "He does have a point, as we _did_ make a mess without his help. I call pizza!" he exclaimed happily, wanting to grab all the healthy pizzas and incinerate them so no one could taste their oddly delicious healthiness.

The model glared at the redhead. "Well?" he gruffed. "Get to it!"

"Yeah, yeah… anal jerk," Lavi grumbled, taking the box off his head and moving towards the kitchen to throw it away. Allen cheerfully threw all the pizza into the trash first, smirking evilly at the poor slices.

"Bye," he said, slamming the trash can's top down.

The redhead stared at him. "I'm…going to pretend I didn't see that. Okay, I'm done."

The white-haired teenager moved back towards the large studio room, picking up more stuff. And then he noticed the absence of someone.

"Where's Lenalee?" he asked.

"She's sleepin' in Yuu's room," Lavi replied. "Yuu never lets a lady sleep on the couch. That's one of his odd gentlemanly quirks."

"But he'll let boys my age sleep on the couch?"

"Yes. Yes he will. If you've got a dick, then you can handle a little lack of comfort. That's another of his odd asshole quirks."

Allen scowled. "Then where did he sleep?"

"He meditated on the kitchen counter, falling asleep sitting up."

"What…the hell?"

"Yeah, I did it, shorty. Got a problem with that?" Kanda snarled from behind Allen. The teen whipped his head around in horror, hoping the older man wasn't holding a knife or something like that. He came face to torso with the model's lightly tanned bare chest.

"Uh, aren't you going to put on a shirt?" Allen squeaked, trying to not look directly at the man's pectoral muscles.

Lavi's eye widened. "Oh _shit_."

Kanda stared him down. "Did you just ask me if I'm going to put on a shirt?" he asked slowly. "In my _own home_?"

"Uh, no?"

"Go hide in the fucking bathroom, brat!" the Japanese man snarled. "You're on time-out until you fucking _think_ about what you just said to me!"

Allen scowled angrily, and stalked to the bathroom, slamming the door like a rebellious teenager.

Lavi blinked. "What the hell just happened here?"

"I grounded him?" Kanda replied uncertainly, his actions catching up to him. "Wait, what the hell?"

Then he shrugged. "Hey, if it keeps the brat outta my hair, then so be it."

The one-eyed man cocked an eyebrow slowly. "_Yeah_, right. We've got a meeting with Komui at one, so let's get cleaning."

Kanda barked a laugh. "Ha! You can get cleaning, since the bean sprout's grounded, Lenalee is sleeping, and I refuse to clean up any messes that I didn't make."

And he walked away towards his room.

Lavi stared at the mess.

"Goddammit."

-------------------**ONE-O'CLOCK-------ON THE DOT--------------------------**

"Ah, you must be Allen Walker!" a tall, Asian man exclaimed, standing up from behind his desk. He walked towards the group of four and held his hand out to the youngest. "Welcome to the Black Order modeling agency, along with the Black Order magazine, ironically named **Black Order**!"

"Er, thank you for your kindness, Mr. Lee?" Allen answered uncertainly.

Komui Lee laughed. "Oh, nonsense! Anything that can get me away from those godforsaken papers is kindness towards ME!" he sighed dramatically. "Oh, a poor man chained to his work… how unfortunate."

Lenalee rolled her eyes. "Komui, Reever's coming."

And the Chinese man somehow made a double somersault over his desk, sitting at the chair as though he were in it for all his life. A tall, light-haired man burst into the room, his clothes rumpled and wearing an earpiece, and he glared heatedly at Komui.

The bespectacled man smiled misleadingly. "Oh, whatever is wrong, Reever?" he asked sweetly. "I've been sitting at my desk all day, doing my work and attending to Mr. Walker!"

Reever stared searchingly at him. "You better," he said in a clear Australian accent. "You've been slackin' off a bit _too_ much lately." He turned to the white-haired boy in front of Komui's desk.

"Allen Walker?" he asked. Allen nodded. Reever held out his hand, smiling brightly. "Reever Wenham. I'm Mr. Lee's secretary, or his scapegoat," he glared at Komui, who fanned his face idly. "If you need any help with _anything_, don't hesitate to ask me. But not him, because he sucks."

The secretary pointed threateningly at Komui. "You better get back to work. If you don't, I _will _know" He waved goodbye at the other four occupants, throwing one last dirty look at the Chinese man, and left the room.

Komui sighed. "Well, since Reever wants to be a pissy wife today, I guess I have no other option but to make someone who has been with this company for a while give you a tour."

Allen paled, and looked at Kanda, who smirked cruelly back.

_Please don't be Kanda, please don't be Kanda, please, for God's sake, don't be Kanda!_

"Yuu, show him around."

_God must not love me. That is, like, the ONLY logical explanation for this cruel turn in events._

"_Gladly_," Kanda replied, putting a hand on the actor's shoulder and clenching it for all he was worth. Allen thought he felt something crack.

Lavi looked sympathetically at Allen. "Oooh, tough luck kid."

Kanda looked like he wanted to cackle evilly.

"Oh yeah, tough luck for _real_."

**END 5**

* * *

HUR HUR HUR, God I hate Kanda.

He makes everything so much harder for me.

But, don't fret; he'll _get his_ before this fanfic is over. Oh yes, he will.


	6. Gimme A Break!

**The Incredible You**

QUICK! Before my Internet leaves again!

* * *

_Chapter Six – __Gimme A Break!_

"This is the place where I stuff all my bodies. We'll be back here soon, so don't worry." Kanda explained with a smirk as he pointed at a dark janitor's closet.

Allen rubbed his temples in frustration. "Look, you've been exceedingly rude to me this entire time—"

"Glad you noticed."

"—and I just wanted to know if you even liked me."

Kanda stopped in his tracks, making Allen stop along with him.

"What did you just ask me?" he asked dangerously.

"I didn't exactly _ask_ it, it was more of a pointed statement."

"Don't get smart with me, kid!" the model hissed. "What kind of moron _are_ you to ask me if I even liked you when it's so obvious that I DON'T!"

The white-haired teenager blinked. "Um, all right then. Thanks for telling me."

"Shut up! I'm not done ranting!"

Allen smacked his forehead, dragging the hand down in a motion of annoyance. "Please don't tell me you're one of those types of people that once they start ranting they don't stop until they think they've gotten their point across, which usually takes hours."

"Damn right I am, now shut the hell up and listen."

"…Dear god…"

"If I fucking say that I fucking hate you, then you better _believe_ I hate all of your goddamn guts, you fucking _bean sprout_." Kanda ranted, glaring angrily at the actor who was pretending to pay attention.

_I wonder what's in that room…_ Allen thought lightly, nodding at what he assumed were the correct intervals. _It looks pretty dark, and OH MY GOD I THINK SOMEONE IS KILLING HIM AND/OR HERSELF IN THERE._

The younger teen moved quickly towards the room, causing Kanda to snap out of his rant-mode.

"Hey!" he called. "I was fucking talking! It's rude to walk away while someone is fucking talking!"

"Can you _really_ talk about rude?" Allen deadpanned, entering the dark room swiftly. Kanda followed after him, scowling.

"Why the hell are we in here?" he grumbled.

The actor held up a hand, pointing at the slumped over body in the really dark room.

"Is it dead?" Allen whispered.

Kanda snorted. "No, he's pretty damn alive. If you click your heels three times, he'll wake up," he replied.

The white-haired boy looked slightly suspicious, but then looked back at the body that lay completely still on the flat table in the middle of the room.

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking up at the Japanese man's face, which was as serious it could possibly get.

"Yeah. " _Jesus Christ, this kid is gullible._

With a determined face, Allen turned towards the body. He jumped in the air shortly and tapped his heels twice, hopping once more for a third try.

"Mmm… I dun wanna go to Kansas, Eliade…" the body muttered, moving around. "…tell Toto to come back or I'll drink his…blaugh…"

There was a strangled laugh in the background, which made Allen pivot on his heel to the tall man, who leaned against the wall, arms crossed and face serious.

"You were lying, weren't you?"

Kanda's lips twitched in amusement. "You are one gullible bastard."

"I've said it once and I'll say it again, you are absolutely _insufferable_!"

"And you're no bucket of calm yourself, sunshine!"

"_SILENCE_!" a grainy voice hissed. The body rose and faced the other two, Allen looking slightly irked and Kanda yawning in boredom. A man faced them, mascara smeared over his red rimmed eyes. His black hair slicked back, except for a single white cowlick that hung in front of his deathly pale face. If Allen believed in vampires, this would be the time where he'd scream like a little girl. But, he didn't, so he was able to take the man's expression in stride.

He didn't look happy.

"Did you not see my 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign?" he demanded.

Kanda rolled his eyes. "There is no sign, asswipe."

"He, uh, does have a point." Allen followed up. The vampire-looking man's eyes snapped to the white-haired boy, noticing him for the first time.

"Ah, my apologies," he said in a gentler tone, smiling. He held out his hand. "My name is Arystar Krory, and you are?"

The actor shook his hand. "Allen Walker, charmed to meet you."

"Likewise. Kanda, you know better than to enter here without permission or precautionary warnings!" Krory scolded, making the Japanese man sneer mockingly.

"It wasn't me," he retorted. "This kid here thought you were dead and ran in. I followed because I'm supposed to be babysitting him and didn't feel like telling the brat about your existence."

"Translation: You were trying to get him in trouble." Krory said blandly. "That…is very immature of you. Aren't you eighteen, a legally grown man?"

"I'm not grown until I can buy alcohol, so shut it, Dracula."

The pale man shook his head. "But still, you should be more mature. Oh, do you have a question, Mr. Walker?" he asked the curious Allen.

The white-haired boy laughed lightly. "Please, just call me Allen," he insisted with a smile. "I was wondering, though, what type of room this was." He gestured towards the thin sheets of paper that hung off thin lines strung across the room.

"This is a dark room," Krory explained. "I'm the picture developer of the Black Order agency, so it's my job to make the pictures as good as they look."

"So, why were you sleeping then?"

The pale man faltered. "I, er, have a sleeping disorder. I only get proper sleep in the day, which is ironically the time I work, so, uh, yeah."

"Shut the hell up, Vlad," Kanda snapped. "We're leaving, brat." He stalked out the room, Allen hurriedly following him.

"It was nice meeting you, Krory!" he called out behind him.

Krory waved. "You too, Allen!" he replied. Then he put his hand down. "The poor boy. Stuck with Kanda, of _all_ people."

--**SCENE BREAK!--**

"Where're we headed now?" Allen asked as he hurriedly followed the taller man through the many halls and rooms that made up the building.

Kanda growled underneath his breath. "Hell," he snapped back. "Now shut up and follow me."

"You might push me down a flight of stairs or something!" the actor argued. "I can't exactly trust you like _that_!"

"If I wanted to push you down some stairs, I would've done it a long time ago. We're here." The Japanese model announced.

Allen looked at the plain gray door with the word **FASHION** hung on it in engraved gold. "Where is 'here', exactly?" he asked.

Kanda tried to open the doorknob, but it wouldn't budge. "Goddammit," he muttered.

"Would you like me to try?"

"No, I want you to stand aside. This takes a special kind of magic." The Japanese man replied. He took one step back and raised his black jean clad leg. Kicking at the door, he smirked as the lock clicked undone and the entrance opened smoothly. "Got it."

Allen stepped inside the dark room, feeling an odd type of fright as Kanda slipped in behind him and closed the door. _He's going to kill me, and I'm going to die. I still had three more movies on contract! At least let me finish Suicide Run!_

The light flickered on, and the entire room was lit up to show rows upon rows of designer and not-so-designer brand name clothing.

"This is, like, the super-mega-awesome closet or something," Kanda explained, scratching behind his head. Allen stared at the super-mega-awesome closet in amazement.

"Dear God," he whispered. "You cannot possibly be the only one wearing all of these fabulous clothes!"

"First, don't say 'fabulous', you'll get bullied for being gay," the model retorted. "Secondly, I'm not the only damn model in this joint. I'm just the best. So, don't accuse me of being a slave to fashion like you are."

"There must be millions of clothes in here!"

"Try a few hundred thousand. We get more all the time, due to more designer companies always paying us to model their clothing. That way, I get lots of money, and they get lots of money. Everyone wins."

The white-haired boy gasped as he fingered the silk sleeve of an introverted black and white shirt. "This is _Millennium_ brand!" he exclaimed. "This brand is, like, ridiculously expensive! Even _I_ don't buy them because of the permanent dent they might put on my allowance!"

Kanda cocked an eyebrow. "You get an allowance?" he asked in amusement. "Aren't you in, like, five movies?"

"Nine. And Cross thinks I'm irresponsible, so he controls most of the money I make from the movies."

_Jesus frickin' Christ this kid is gullible._ "And how much do you make per movie?"

"The least amount I've ever made would probably be… two million."

"How much do you get as an allowance?"

"Three hundred dollars. A week."

"You've been duped. Completely and utterly."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Hey, can I try this on? _Please_?" He held out the introverted shirt excitedly.

The black-haired man made an annoyed face. "Sure kid, knock yourself out," he answered. "Just, don't take off your underwear."

"Like you're _that_ attractive."

"Um, yeah. I _am_ that attractive."

_Well, he does have a point there. _Allen thought, unbuttoning his shirt with a smile. _If he weren't a complete jerk, then I'd actually think he was sexy. In an admiring kind of way._

Throwing his shirt unceremoniously to the ground, Allen reached for the other shirt.

"Hey, Yuu, got some bad news and some good news, which do you wanna—Oh, _hello_, private pedo peep show? And I wasn't invited?"

Kanda's right eye twitched. "Lavi, please jump off a cliff. And how did you know I was in here?"

The redhead snickered. "Man, _everyone_ pointed to the direction you went in. It was like, 'Hey, have you seen Kanda and a white-haired boy?' 'Oh, they just turned that corner and made a left and the intersection between halls 23 and 42, and then went up the flight of stairs to make a counterclockwise turn left and entered the fashion room.' It was insane."

"Okay, I don't care. What were you saying about some news?" the model asked abruptly.

Lavi whistled lowly under his breath. "Man, I don't know how to break this to you. Wait, yes I do. Okay, bad news, Cross has left the building."

Allen started banging his head on a rack.

"He said he'd be back in a few months, he had some business to handle or some shit like that."

"He _lies_…" Allen hissed, still banging his head on the metal rack. "Why did you let him leave?!"

"Uh, because he paid us a lot of money to keep you here and out of trouble? And we also have a contract with you and him that stated how you're now a client of the Black Order modeling agency/magazine/whatever? I mean, you're still on those movie contracts, which you'll get to work on while you work with us."

"_Duuuuuuped_," Kanda whispered mockingly, smirking.

"Shut up, Kanda," Allen snapped. "I do _not_ need to hear your voice right now."

The eighteen-year-old snickered.

"Hey, I've still got some good news!" Lavi whined. "C'mon, perk up!"

"Right," the white-haired boy said. "I'm sorry about that."

"No problemo. All right, the ultra-super-wonderful-awesome news is…you're staying with Kanda. Semi-permanently. Until you turn eighteen. Or twenty-one. One of the two."

Allen stared at him for a moment. "I…" he said slowly. "I think I want to kill you."

"No," hissed Kanda. "Allow _me_."

Lavi jumped back. "Hey! Don't hurt the messenger!" he grumbled. "Komui was the one who discussed it with Cross! It was like, you can't stay with Komui because he lives with his sister and doesn't trust any males in there, hardly even himself. You can't stay with me because I'm all irresponsible and stuff. So, it had to be someone who was responsible, male, eighteen or over, works here, and has _some_ sort of connection with you. Guess who fit the bill?"

Kanda looked over at the annoyed Allen. "So, if he stays with me, do I get to tell him what to say?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"You aren't his legal guardian, but yeah. I mean, it is your house."

"Fantastic," the Japanese man said with a sadistic smile.

"You can't do anything to him that will cause him to complain and bitch, because then you'll be in a lot of trouble."

Allen smiled up at Kanda. "_Great_."

"And you can't cause trouble for Kanda, because then _you'll_ be in trouble." Lavi chuckled at the devastated looks on both their faces.

"What can we do?" Kanda growled.

The photographer grinned, scratching his chin.

"What all roommates do best. Just live."

**END 6**

* * *

_YEEESSSSS_. Kanda will get his.

This has been in progress for the past five days, but I kept getting distracted because I've rediscovered Hentai (lolwtf), and today I just looked away from the extremely graphic pr0n, deciding to just finish up this chapter.

Yes. Blame Hentai. That's what I do when I'm annoyed.


	7. Move a Bust!

**The Incredible You**

You guys make me wanna cry in unadulterated joy.

…(sniffle)

* * *

_Chapter Seven – __Move a Bust!_

"Where the hell is he supposed to sleep?" Kanda snarled. "I'm not sleeping with an eight-year-old, Komui!"

Allen scowled. "Every time my age gets lower with you! First, I was twelve, then I was ten, and now I'm eight? Can you make up your mind, moron?" he snapped back.

"Maybe you should send a memo to that thing called puberty and actually look your age!" the Japanese man retorted.

"Then you should cut your hair and actually look _your_ gender!"

A blanket of abrupt silence covered the four in the room, everyone's eyes widening and mouths opening.

"Oh _shit_," Lavi hissed. He slid behind Allen and covered the younger boy's mouth, his eye narrowing to a mere slit. "Shut up and agree with everything I'm about to say! You will _die_ if you don't!" he whispered fiercely. Allen nodded, frightened.

"Did he just say something about the hair?" Kanda demanded in a dangerously low voice. "I'm ready to fuck him up if he did, you know!"

The redhead laughed in a high voice. "Of course not, Yuu!" he replied. "He didn't say anything discriminating about anything on your fabulous body, _did he_?" He nudged Allen, who nodded furiously.

Kanda stared into Allen's gray eyes.

"You're next," he mouthed, pointing at him.

_I do not want to live with this man; I do not want to live with this man!_ Allen chanted in his head, watching the model straighten up and look back at Komui.

The bespectacled man sighed and leaned his head on his hands. "Listen Kanda, we've already figured this out, okay?" he replied. "Another bed has already been moved into the apartment, and we've even provided a convenient wooden screen to separate the room. Now everything's been solved!"

"The hell it is!"

Lavi looked down at Allen in shock, but not before wiping his hand on his black jeans in disgust. "Holy shit," he said, grinning. "I didn't even know you knew the word! I thought Kanda had said that!"

Kanda shrugged. "I did too, actually."

"Not the point, people!" Allen snapped. "I mean, what are we going to do about _closet space_?"

The other two looked at the Japanese man, who shook his head. "He's the slave to fashion, not me," he said. "I don't give a damn about my closet, he can have it."

"Well, that's been resolved. I'll see you both tomorrow so we can discuss the photo shoot, and _do not be late_."

"Yeah brat, don't be late." And Kanda rushed out the room, almost running.

"Why'd he run away so fast?" Allen asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Komui laughed. "Oh, he's just trying to get to his car and drive off so he can get to the apartment first and lock the door so you can't get in. He's very predictable."

"Oh. So, uh, what do I do about it?"

"Simple, I'm going to give you a house key and a threat for him. It works every single time."

If Satan had a happy face, Allen was sure Komui's smile at that very moment was the very essence of it.

"But, what about things that we're obviously not going to agree on?" he asked instead. "I mean, I try to go to church every Sunday, and I'm absolutely positive Jerkface—whoops, Kanda, would not even consider taking me."

Lavi snorted. "I'll help out with that note. My grandpa is the pastor of that big church on Broadway, and he'll be glad to have a new member. I'll drive you and maybe Yuu too. He needs Jesus or _something_, he's just too cranky to be healthy."

Allen smiled. "You're the _best_, Lavi!"

"I know." The redhead looked over at Komui. "Is he going to get the house key anytime soon? I'll take him to the apartment, but I kinda need your cooperation."

"Don't you have a key?"

"Lost it."

"And that is the exact reason why Mr. Walker here is not living with you…Guess you'll have to borrow Lenalee's key."

Lavi smirked.

"Perfect."

--**SCENE BREAK!—**

"Hi Kanda!"

"_Goddammit_!"

Kanda thumped his head on the door, moving away to let Allen and Lenalee in.

He opened one eye blearily. "Aren't you coming in to fuck up my life too?" he growled at Lavi, who crossed his arms with a smile.

"I actually wasn't going to, because we were simply supposed to drop Allen off and leave while bothering you to a minimum, but since you want me to, sure!"

Lenalee chuckled. "No Lavi, we're leaving!" she called. Then she bent down and gave Allen a hug. "Keep my key," she whispered. "I'll swipe it for a copy later."

"Okay." Allen answered. "Thanks, Lenalee."

"All right, we're going now. Kanda looks like he might jump out the window if we stay any longer."

With that, the two walked out the door, leaving Kanda still thumping his head on the door.

"And I'll totally fucking do it, too!" he called out behind them. He turned to Allen.

"Rules," he snarled. "Don't fucking talk to me, don't fucking look at me, don't even fucking breathe facing me. I'll make you so sorry you wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye without apologizing."

Allen pulled out Timcampy, eyes bored. "I already know not to care, so I'll give you that in respect." He walked into the one bedroom, texting something or another to Lavi, and then walked right back out. Kanda smirked at his disgruntled face.

"That is completely inaccurate and unfair!" the actor snapped. "I only have, like, _three_ feet of free space!"

"Life is tough kid. Shit happens when you grow up."

"To YOU maybe, but I think I'll take initiative at this point!" and he went back into the room. The sound of wood scraping against more wood caught Kanda's attention, making him step up to the doorway.

"What the _hell _do you think you're doing, bean sprout?" he demanded of Allen, who was dragging the wood and paper screen further to his side of the large bedroom.

"I'm making it fair, jerk!"

Kanda grabbed the edge of the screen, watching the white-haired boy struggle with the dragging. "Fuck fair, I pay the goddamn rent!" he snapped.

"No you don't!"

"Well, no I don't, but I'm still older than you!"

Allen rolled his eyes, pausing in his struggling. "What a legible excuse!" he retorted. "I could also say I'm more mature than you are and be more prone to control, but I won't. Because I'm just that, _mature_."

Kanda rolled his eyes. "If I had a nickel for every time someone said some shit like that, I'd be _richer_."

The British teenager scoffed. "You are so unbelievable it's almost comical. Geez, can't you let up your grip a little? You don't even _look_ that strong!" he grumbled, still trying to drag the door.

The model smirked, patting his bare biceps. "I actually do work out, brat. And besides, you're only pulling with your right hand. That's stupid by itself, because you aren't even putting in a real effort!"

"Er, uh," Allen faltered. "I, uh, can't exactly use my left arm."

"Why the hell not? Is it deformed or something?"

"Yes. Yes it is. We will go with that and say it is very deformed."

"Except for the part where you've been doing everything normally with _both_ arms, leading me to believe not _your_ story but the evidence itself."

"Jesus Christ, you really don't know when to give up, do you?"

"Not a fucking clue."

Allen sighed. "Well, you asked for it." And he gripped the edge with his other arm, pulling at it gently.

The screen broke immediately.

Kanda stared at the remains.

"Holy shit."

--**SCENE BREAK!—**

"Okay, this is my side," Kanda pointed at the space left of the tape on the ground. "And that's your side." He pointed to the right. "It's as fucking equal as it's ever going to get, so shut the hell up."

Allen closed his mouth.

"Thank you. Now, as you know, you get the closet in this room. I get the hallway closet. You can do your laundry on Thursdays and Tuesdays, while I'll do mine Mondays and Wednesdays. Don't fucking bother me at any time between six and eight. Those're my meditation hours. If you were going to eat _every single Double Quarter Pounder_ that McJeryy's had, then I don't know what the hell you'd do to my pantry."

"Eat it?" Allen supplied helpfully.

"Exactly, so you'll be buying your own damn food."

"…can I secretly eat fast food without you telling on me and vice versa?"

"Yes. Yes you can."

"That might be the best part of living with you."

Kanda shrugged. "Whatever. I'm going to go do my meditation."

"Oh, well, I'm going to eat. And then sleep, because I don't think I got too much last night."

"Have fun with that."

And all was well.

--**SCENE BREAK!—**

Until the next morning that is, as the two didn't exactly discuss bathroom rules.

"I need it first!" Allen whined. "I really have to go! And I need a shower! I feel really dirty!"

"Fuck that!" Kanda retorted. "I've gotta brush my teeth and wash my hair! I'm a professional model for god's sake!"

"Well I need to brush my teeth too!"

"Huh? I thought you were European."

"Now that was completely uncalled for."

Kanda shrugged. Then he pushed Allen away, rushing into the bathroom. "Loser!" he crowed. "Got you while you were distracted!"

Allen pushed his way inside the door before the older man could slam it closed. "You are so immature!" he grouched. "Why can't we both brush our teeth and just get on with life?"

"Because I hate standing so close to you, freak."

"Right, whatever." And Allen took the initiative to begin brushing his teeth. Kanda, who was still annoyed, did the same, but made sure to keep his moving arm's elbow at a reasonable height.

"Why do you keep jabbing your elbow into my temple?" the white-haired boy snapped, mouth foaming with the toothpaste.

"I alwaysh brush my teesh like dis," Kanda replied with the toothbrush in his mouth, smirking.

Allen narrowed his eyes. "Oh really?" And he readjusted his elbow as well.

"Shtop jabbin' yur fuckin' elbowsh into my ribsh!" the Japanese man snarled.

"I always brush my teeth like this."

"Oh HELLSH no!"

--**SCENE BREAK!—**

"You're late."

"It's his fault." Kanda and Allen chorused, pointing at the other accusingly.

Lavi blinked. "Dude, I think they're metamorphosing or something. They already have the same wavelength and everything!" he whispered to Komui, who shook his head in response.

"At least you aren't painfully late," he said to the two. "So, now we'll just have to skip the nice introduction and send you straight to the studio, where Lavi will introduce you. The _hard_ way."

"Look at what you've got us into!" Kanda hissed. "Now we're fucking screwed!"

"Me?" Allen repeated incredulously. "You're the one who started the whole 'jab war' thing!"

"_Metamorphosing_…" Lavi sung with a smile. "That or they're getting gay for each other."

And all talking ceased at that moment.

"Knew that one would work. All right, follow me to the studio, children."

The two followed him, glaring at the other fiercely.

This would not be the end of it.

**END 7**

* * *

I love this chapter purely for the bathroom scene.

Lavi makes anything good anyway, so yeah.

I'm going to call this the "When Kanda kinda got his" chapter. Because I hate him. Seriously. He does not look really good in a sleeveless shirt.


	8. Fifteen is the new Twenty

**The Incredible You**

I just realized how gay the title of this story is.

Jesus Christ, what was I _thinking_? I bet I was high. Oh well, too late to change now.

But, I'd really like to say that you all make me want to go to church and spazz like the power of Christ compels me. I dedicate this to all you positive reviewers!

_

* * *

_

Chapter Eight – _Fifteen is the New Twenty_

"All right boys, get in." Lavi said, gesturing to the open doors that led to the set. Kanda and Allen walked in slowly, looking everywhere but at each other.

Various people bustled about, setting up furniture, fixing the backdrop, and basically doing their jobs. Lavi walked to the camera equipment, waving the two towards him.

"All right men," he began with a grin. "Since you so kindly missed out on the meeting this morning, I feel bad about having to just throw you into this situation with no warning, but whatever. Yuu, go to the dressing room on the right, you'll find your outfit there. Allen, stay right here, since here comes your lady. Hi Miranda!"

A woman was slowly coming towards them. Kanda turned and walked away without even a nod. The pale, inky-haired woman walked up to Allen and Lavi with a nervous frown.

"Hello," she greeted Allen. "I'm Miranda Lotto. I'm the tailor and seamstress." She looked over at Lavi. "Lavi, why must you always bring me whenever Kanda is around? You must be aware that he hates me!"

The photographer laughed. "Nonsense!" he chided, patting her on the back. "Yuu doesn't hate anybody! …Well, I might be lying. I'm pretty sure he hates the mailman, the secretary on the first floor, that creepy guy with the smile in all the talk shows, dogs, Komui, and a lot more people."

"Including me." Allen muttered darkly, crossing his arms.

"I severely doubt he hates you. After all, you aren't dead yet, right?"

"Which means what? He could being plotting my death right now, for all we know!"

Lavi chuckled. "You are _so_ cute." He pushed the younger boy towards Miranda. "Go with her, she'll measure you for your outfit."

The pale woman nodded, quirking a small smile and leading him to a separate dressing room from Kanda's.

Once inside, she pulled out her roll of measuring tape and immediately began to measure Allen's body.

"This is only slightly uncomfortable," the actor said blandly as the woman ran her hands up Allen's shirt, trying to get the size of his midsection.

Miranda's hands jerked away. "I am _so_ sorry!" she apologized profusely. "I forget to even ask the person I'm measuring sometimes, as it is a terrible habit." She covered her face with her hands. "I am _such_ a disgrace! Go on, Mister Walker, please tell Mister Lee of my failure in life and work so that I may get fired, as I can't even communicate to my clients properly!"

She began sobbing uncontrollably at this point, leaning heavily on Allen's shoulder as the boy carefully rubbed circles in her back.

"Please, Miss Miranda," he said with a quirky smile. "You were doing a fine job. There nothing wrong with not asking, since Lavi does it quite often, but at least warn me before you start to feel up my chest." He laughed lightly.

Miranda looked up into his gray eyes. "Y-you—" she stuttered, the rings underneath her eyes becoming even more apparent with the initial gathering of tears. "You are so _very_ understanding! Oh, I don't even know how to feel right now, as I am so happy!"

Allen sighed in amusement. "We can always stop with the melodrama and finish these measurements. I want to get this modeling thing over with as soon as possible."

"Of course!" Miranda held out the tape. "Please, hold still until I'm done."

"Not a problem."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"This is kind of creepy." Allen commented at the perfect fit of the outfit. "And you said you didn't have to do _any_ kind of fitting for this?"

"Not in the least. It looks extremely good on you, though." Miranda said with a weak smile.

The white-haired boy winced. "It looks kind of _gay_." But he was quite inaccurate, as it was simply a pair of fitted black dress pants and a designer white button up shirt with black dress shoes.

"Be happy you even _have_ something to wear," Lavi said happily, popping into the room. "Yuu can't say much more. All right, we're already late, so now we've got to begin! Allen, this is Lo Fwa. She's the make-up handler." The redhead checked his watch. "You've got fifteen minutes to work your magic, Lo."

Lo Fwa blushed as she pulled out her portable vanity, trying to look everywhere but at Allen's face.

The actor looked at her oddly, wondering why she was biting her bottom lip so hard.

"Uh," he started cautiously. "I'm Allen Walker."

"I know!" Lo Fwa blurted, fidgeting with her flesh-colored blushes. "I…I, uh, love your movies."

Allen blinked. "Thanks, I suppose. Although, I don't think I did too well in _The Sky's Limit_…"

"Are you _kidding_ me?!" Lo Fwa exclaimed, clenching the handle of the vanity in her excitement. "You were _wonderful_! I was crying for _days_ after that!" She sniffled a bit. "You're, like, my favorite actor!"

"…Thank you?"

"Oh, OH!" she blushed hotly. "I must be creeping you out."

Allen raised his gloved hand, pinching his index and thumb together. "Just a little," he admitted with a smile. "But I admire your passion."

Lo Fwa didn't even know what to think.

"Heeeey, Lo!" Lavi called from behind the door. "Stop fangirling and start making lover-boy look pretty! I've got to start this shoot! Paycheck AWAY!" He made a heroic sound and walked away, laughing.

"Lavi is so amazingly awesome." Allen commented fondly as Lo Fwa started dusting the area around his marred right eye with a powder as pale as his skin.

"Not as much as you…" she muttered underneath her breath, making the white-haired teen look at her.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Wow you look gay."

"The same, Kanda. Except, he did say put on an outfit. Not get ready to jump out a cake at a bachelorette party."

Kanda sneered, crossing his bare arms. Metal wristlets decorated his wrists, chains hanging off the links. Poor, almost ratty looking pants hung low on his hips, and he wore no shoes.

"Whoever wanted this shoot can burn in hell," he told Lavi in a bland tone.

The one-eyed man rolled his eye. "Oh yes, because I have that kind of power. Okay, let's start!" he exclaimed, adjusting his camera.

Nobody moved.

Lavi looked up. "Let me try that again: Okay, let's START!" he repeated, gesturing towards the set that contained a single wooden chair with a red backdrop.

Someone coughed in the background.

"What the hell, guys?" he whined, placing his hands on his hips. "C'mon, let's get this started!"

"We aren't going to do a goddamn thing until you tell us what the hell we're supposed to do." Kanda snapped, chains jingling as he uncrossed his arms.

"Oh. Right." Lavi looked sheepish. "Well, that's pretty simple. You two," he pointed at Kanda and Allen, "are going to look as gay as possible, without kissing or all the backside banging. This will be accomplished through compromising situations set up by the client, and you will go through with them perfectly. At least, that's what Komui said."

The Japanese man's right eyebrow ticked several times. "Who the FUCK wanted this fucking shoot?" he roared angrily. "This is fucking ridiculous! I don't even know what this situation is supposed to be! What the hell is going on here?!"

Allen touched Kanda's arm. "Kanda…" he said with a disbelieving expression. "Calm _down_. It's not that serious."

"Don't touch me!" the older man snapped, pushing the boy away. Allen scowled, hands clenched in punching action.

Lo Fwa almost went Kung-fu on Kanda's ass, but Lavi stopped all upcoming action.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Shut the fuck up!"

All was silent.

"Good. This shoot was requested by D-BOY magazine, and they want it as perfectly as possible. It's for a short story section in the next month's issue. Something about a slave's illicit affair with his master, I don't know."

Kanda, who calmed down considerably after at least finding out what was going on, walked onto the set. "I'm guessing that I have to sit in this chair?" he asked blandly, hands on his hips.

"Right." Lavi agreed, going back behind his camera. Kanda sat in the chair, legs sprawled open and he looked straight at the camera. "Did anyone ever tell you that you make insta-orgasms when you give the camera that face?"

Kanda made a slightly disgusted face, which made Lavi and a few of the set crew laugh.

"Okay, okay. Allen-boy!" he said to the white-haired teenager next to him. "Get onto Yuu's lap."

Allen stopped all motion. Kanda looked at Lavi like he was crazy.

"Can you repeat that?" they asked in synchronization.

The redhead chuckled. "Wow, you two are so alike it's creepy." He waved towards Kanda. "Get onto Kanda's lap. And once you're on his lap, make some sort of surprised face, like 'Holy shit! He's got a boner!'"

"Er…" Allen tried to talk, but Kanda beat him to the punch.

"Are you on crack, Cyclops?" he demanded. "The kid is fifteen! I'm, I don't know, _eighteen_! He's not _legal_!"

Lavi smirked and flapped a wrist at Kanda in a dismissive way. "Fifteen is the new twenty, Yuu. You know this. No one will care, because, hey, it's Allen Walker and Yuu Kanda. Their hotness makes up for everything!"

No one had a legible answer to that.

And so, the photographer coughed into his fist.

"Remember, we've got to make this as gay as possible." Lavi nudged Allen onto the set. "Now, go and look homosexual! My paycheck depends on it!"

Allen slowly walked to where Kanda sat, face utterly horrified. He stood in front of Kanda, looking kind of high and really out of it.

"Bean sprout?" Kanda asked, weirded out. "Are you fucked up right now? Oh shit, that make-up girl, what'sername, Long Floor, coked you up before we got out here, didn't she?"

"Her name is…Lo Fwa." Allen murmured, still standing in front of Kanda.

The Japanese man rolled his eyes. "If you can talk, then you're okay. Jesus, kid, let's just get his over with!" He grabbed Allen's wrist and pulled the boy on top of him.

The shock conveyed on Allen's face was more than enough to please Lavi once he landed on the man's lap, legs spread against Kanda's abdomen.

"Wow!" Lavi exclaimed, snapping the picture. "That shocked face is _fantastic_! It actually makes me think Yuu's got a…wait, you don't really have a stiffy, right Yuu?"

"Hell no!" Kanda snapped, glaring at the still-shocked Allen. "Snap out of it kid!"

Lavi chortled. "This is so fucking awesome, and I can take pictures because it's my job!" he waved a hand about. "Okay, now pull your chains against Allen's back, bringing him closer to you. Allen, make a sexy face, like 'Damn, I feel like having unprotected sex with Yuu Kanda!'"

"What?" the actor demanded.

Kanda tugged the chains against Allen's back, effectively pulling him even closer against his abdomen. He fixed a glare at the boy.

"Look sexy or I'll fuck you up because you're fucking with my job!" he threatened quietly.

Allen made the best sexy face he possibly could.

"Ooo, you're a natural, kid!" the photographer crooned, camera flashing at several intervals. "Now, start having sex, all right?"

"What the FUCK—"

"Just kidding, Yuu!" Lavi laughed. "Just kidding. But seriously, Allen, wrap your arms around Yuu's neck and look deeply into his eyes, like 'I want to make sweet love to you right in this uncomfortable wooden chair!'"

"Why does he insist on giving examples?" Allen muttered, moving his arms towards Kanda's neck and trying to look into the man's eyes while not at the same time.

Instead, though, Kanda's eyes caught him first, and an understanding was shared.

"The faster we get this shit done…" Kanda whispered harshly. "The faster we get out of these homosexual positions!"

"Agreed."

Lavi snapped pictures. "Loving the pillow talk!" he teased. "Only thirty-five minutes left to go!"

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Kanda, who was now fully dressed in his usual fashionably acceptable outfit, coughed into his fist, looking everywhere but at Allen, who was doing basically the same thing.

"Erm…" Allen looked around. "Uh, I, uh…"

"I won't talk about it again if you won't."

"Thank God."

Lenalee greeted them. "I heard your first shoot was _fabulous_!" she said to Allen, smiling happily. "Lavi even said that if he weren't so sure that Kanda was anti-sexual, he'd actually think you were gay! Oh, hi Lo Fwa."

The Chinese make-up artist dared to look at Allen, where she felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal and scurried off, muttering something or another about gay man's land.

"Is she okay?" Allen asked carefully.

Lenalee grinned. "Oh, she just thinks you're gay. Kanda, join me for lunch!" She grabbed the taller man's arm, watching his expression with a smile.

"I, uh, _can't_," he replied uncertainly, scratching his chin. "I've got to go do model stuff."

"So do I, and that's why you're joining me before I start my shoot." The Chinese model flashed a happy look at Allen. "You too, Allen. You've got to tell me about your newest movie!"

"I, er, I—" he stuttered, trying to escape.

"He's coming, don't worry." Kanda said confidently. He narrowed his eyes at the white-haired boy. "He does need to get to know us better after all."

Allen resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Kanda just didn't want to eat a healthy lunch with Lenalee by himself.

She gasped. "I never thought of it _that_ way!" The model tugged at Allen's arm. "Come on, let's get acquainted!"

The actor followed in resignation. He glared at Kanda, mouthing "_I hate you_".

Kanda just smirked, mouthing back "_I suffer, you suffer kid_".

Lenalee punched both of them on the shoulders. "Don't make me seem so hard to be with!" she scolded with a smile.

Kanda just grunted and looked away with a light blush at getting caught.

The girl winked at Allen.

And he laughed.

**END 8**

* * *

This was quite possibly the only chapter that was so much fun to write.

And all those who reacted to my "I HATE KANDA" thing, I have but one thing to say: lol.

I don't _hate_ Kanda, as I'd never be writing homosexual fanfiction including him if I did, but I do dislike him. He twists at my nerves, to put it lightly.

This chapter almost had several mistakes because Emiggax was all "How big do you think Kanda's penis is" and I was all "What the hell?!" and my fingers were all "PENIS" at some sentence during the part with the shoot, so it was like, "_Damn, I feel like having unprotected sex with Yuu Kanda's PENIS"_ and it was total lol for five minutes straight.

I should put this on my El Jay.


	9. So He Said

**The Incredible You**

So I waited a few weeks to see if the title wasn't nearly as gay as I thought. Surprisingly, it is still really gay, but not a play on Kanda's name, because Kanda isn't that important to me. /lie on the importance part

Shocker, isn't it? Oh, and I totally blame the 80s for not updating for such a long time. :D A few people should get it.

I will try my hardest to make this chapter very good. I cannot promise great, as I possess no positive thoughts pertaining to my own writing skills. I'm such an iffy guy.

And this chapter is dedicated to KISproductions. I hold a great love for them. :DDD Hell, I wish I had a beta so awesome. I'm chocked full of mistakes…just ask my dad. D:

* * *

_Chapter Nine – __So He Said…_

"I must say, I'm impressed."

Allen looked up at the smug Chinese man. "And why are you saying so?" he asked suspiciously.

Komui smiled. "According to Lavi, you two did so well that he has been forever convinced that gay is okay," he commented idly.

Allen felt a little homicidal after that comment. "Really now?" he replied with a similar smile. "And what else did he say?"

"He also said that if photographing hot guys having sex was a crime, after watching you guys he'd definitely do the time."

Kanda banged at the door, growling. "Let me the fuck out!" he roared. "I'm going to _kill_ him!"

The British teenager rubbed at his temples. "Is that even virtually _possible_?" he demanded. "I mean, even if we were having sex—" A hand was slapped over his mouth.

"No!" Kanda hissed. "Don't even _consider it_. Better yet, keep your damn mouth shut."

Komui looked interested. "You two have known each other for about two weeks and you're already—"

"You say one more word and I'll personally give your office a new makeover." The Japanese model said darkly, hand still on Allen's mouth. "With your blood."

"Queer eye for the straight guy, perhaps?" the Chinese man replied shrewdly, hands folded in front of him.

"You're _straight_?" Allen asked in disbelief, finally getting Kanda's hand off his mouth. "Unbelievable."

"What are you insinuating?"

"I don't know," Kanda answered sarcastically. "Maybe that you're a fucking _fag_?"

Komui raised a slow eyebrow. "…and why is this so?" he asked.

"I've seen gay parades with less color than you."

"Usually people would be fired to hell and back when they comment about my sexuality like so," the Chinese man said with a sigh. He flashed an irked smile. "Lucky you're the best damn model we've got, isn't it?"

The white-haired boy furrowed his eyebrows in thought. "I'm sorry, but you let him treat you like, in lack of a more appropriate term, _shit_…because he's sexy enough to get away with it?"

"Yes."

"So, if I were to become sexier than Kanda, _somehow_, then what would happen to him?"

Komui blinked. "Well, then I guess he'd become mortal and I'd dock his paycheck if he were to pull another try at my sexuality again."

"I see…"

Kanda snorted. "Give up while you're ahead, brat," he retorted. "You can try being better looking than me…but, you'll fail. It's a doomed failure, even."

Allen smirked. "Okay then, let's try and see." He leaned closer to Komui's desk. "What's the next assignment you can sign Sir Sexy and I on?"

The director scooted back in his roller chair, reaching into a desk drawer to pull out a thick scheduler. He flipped it open, a pale finger running down a page. "…There is one next Tuesday," he answered, adjusting his glasses upon the bridge of his nose.

"I wanna sleep in that day," Kanda muttered, arms crossed.

"Please, be quiet." Allen turned back to Komui. "And, what magazine is this for?"

"Well, it's for _Baking in New York_, and…_that_ is the problem." The Chinese man winced. "The request itself is quite odd, and I don't think—"

"We'll take it." The British actor interrupted. He smiled charmingly. "It can't be so hard. I mean, it's called _Baking in New York_."

Kanda growled lowly underneath his breath. "Don't make fucking decisions for the both of us, shrimp," he said stiffly.

"You two may want to actually _hear_ what the contents of the set are—" Komui said, frowning.

"I'm not making decisions for the both of us," Allen replied, amused. "I'm making decisions for me, plus you. After all, you aren't that bright, as I have discovered."

"What?!" the Japanese model snarled. "Who the fuck are _you_ calling stupid?!"

"I mean, there's _nudity_ involved—"

"I'm calling you stupid, since you need verification." The younger teen answered calmly.

"I should push you into _traffic_."

"—and I'm sure that neither of you like cake so much to the point where—"

"Traffic? Please, it'd be more effective if _you_ got cancer. That way, you could lose your hair while doing the world a favor and die."

"I'll cut your hair, _brat_! Watch me!"

"—and, Jesus, you two aren't even listening." Komui pushed his glasses a little farther up upon his nose. "Look, just, get out of my office." He sighed. "I'll fax the details to your place. And, by the way, since you two are so utterly immature to the point where I can't even explain what you're getting into…there are no take-backs." His glasses gleamed with an almost evil intent. "You're stuck with the assignment now."

And with that, he ushered the two out, not giving them any chance to speak. The door slammed behind them ominously, awakening Reever from his eavesdropping stupor.

"See ya," he said with a wave. "And that assignment? I would've read the details first if I were you."

Allen nodded, waving with a smile. "Yes, but where's the excitement in _that_?" he replied. He walked off towards the elevators, Kanda at his heels.

"If you fucked me over, I will seriously shave every old man stand of hair off your pale head." The older teenager muttered, slamming the button for the downward elevator.

The white-haired actor clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, amused. "It sounds like you're scared, Kanda," he purred, smiling. Clapping his hands together, Allen cocked his head towards the opening elevator. "Can't handle it?"

Kanda, who rose to Allen's bait much too easily, huffed. "Don't try me kid," he threatened, stepping into the elevator. "I've been in the business for years."

"And now you're about to be bested by a foreign little upstart." Allen grinned, coming in as well.

The Japanese man smirked back, the metallic doors closing. "You're eighteen years too early, kid."

"No, you're just fifteen years too late."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"—and what the hell is the deal with you making life decisions for me?" Kanda grumbled as they walked into the apartment, with rain pattering at the windows. "I didn't give you my birth certificate and name you 'father'!"

Allen rolled his gray eyes. "I would rather fall off a building than be related to you. No offense," he assured, hands raised. "But, how else am I going to prove my point that I'll be a better model than you?"

"By _consulting_ me first, maybe?"

"Interesting. I'll be sure to try that next time."

Kanda sat on the couch heavily, stretching his arms. "Check the fax machine, bean sprout," he commanded, eyes slipping closed.

"What? Why?!"

"Because I'm older and I told you to." The black-haired man yawned. "Now hop to it."

Allen groaned, walking to the fax machine that sat inconspicuously in the corner of the kitchen. He stared at it. "…What am I supposed to do?" he demanded.

"Wait for the details to come in!"

"The _entire_ time?"

"What, do you have a life or something?"

The British teen resisted the urge to throw a glass at the older man. "I'm still in movies, you know!" he retorted. "I've got scripts to read over!"

"And you can wait for the damn fax. Now shut the hell up, your voice feels like it's giving me a brain tumor."

Way to shut someone down, Kanda. Allen sighed in a long-suffering way and leaned against the counter, watching the fax machine with one eye.

It soon started ringing.

Allen grinned in joy. The pages filtered in through the print, and he waited a moment before taking them out and reorganizing them.

"Papers came in!" he called to Kanda.

"Good job. There're some Scooby Snacks in the cabinet at the bottom."

At some point, Allen was going to get Kanda, and he was going to get Kanda _good_. He decided to postpone that, and leaned against the kitchen counter reading over the details in leisure.

His eyes widened. "…Dear god," he whispered. "What in the world have I gotten myself into?"

Kanda stepped in. "What the hell? You're freaking me out more than usual." He eyed the papers held limply in the boy's gloved hands. "What do they say?"

"I…I'm going to go cry in the bathroom now." Allen said quietly. "Call me when you order dinner."

"What?" The boy rushed by, pushing the papers into his arms roughly. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

The bathroom door slammed closed, and Allen's broken sobs were all that Kanda could hear in the quiet apartment.

"Drama queen," he muttered, looking over the papers. "Bet it isn't even…that…serious…" The papers were dumped on the counter, with Kanda rushing to the room, his decidedly traitorous fax machine in his arms.

He wasn't going to cry brokenly, but he _was_ going to break the shit out of this fax machine.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Lavi blinked, speechless. It was a Tuesday, and it was quite rainy outside in the metro New York City area.

There are a few things that can make this kind of day abnormal.

"You…you guys aren't arguing. At all. You just got in, and you both're quieter than a dead dog."

And clearly, that was one of them.

Allen sighed, waving his hand in a dismissing motion. "We decided on a truce before we got here," he explained wearily. "After all, you all know that we foolishly agreed to."

"I agreed to _nothing_," Kanda grumbled. "You're the one making life choices."

"And the truce was that Kanda was to shut up at all times." Allen glared sideways at the taller man. "Looks like it's been broken."

"I thought we agreed that the truce was for you to jump off a cliff."

"And, once again, your obviously advanced intelligence shines through." Allen replied sarcastically. He grinned. "Would you like a sticker to show your efforts?"

"I'll _kill_ you."

The redhead breathed in relief, smiling. "Oh thank you _god_," he said happily. "We're back to normal with you two." He clapped his hands, camera around his neck. "Okay everyone, panic's over. Let's get this set started!"

Allen paled. "N-now?" he whined. "Can't we wait a little longer?"

"Longer? Oh you are _adorable_." Lavi pinched the younger boy's white cheek. "Of course we can't wait any longer. The cake'll fall apart any moment, so we've got to get this over and done with."

"But…"

"No buts!" The green-eyed photographer clapped his hands. "Hey, Miranda, get this guy dressed up! And Toma, get _this_ guy dressed down."

Kanda snarled as a tall, sandy-haired man began pushing him towards the dressing room on the opposite side. "I'll kill you for this, bean sprout!" he roared as Toma shoved him into the room, slamming the door.

Allen blinked, offended. "I still don't know what a bean sprout has to do with me!" he complained as Miranda led him into the dressing room of before.

The pale woman breathed shakily. "Allen, may I ask a favor of you?" she started quietly.

"Oh, of course. What would you like of me, Miranda?" It couldn't have been so hard that Miranda, of all people, was asking favors.

"I need…for you to take off all of your clothes."

The British boy stopped breathing. "…No." He shook his head furiously. "I refuse. I thought I would be allowed _all_ of my clothes, plus the apron."

The woman trembled, a tear slipping down her cheek. "…You'll get the apron."

"Not good enough!"

"And you'll also get to hold some eating utensils."

"Dear god why?!"

"I can't do anything else, I'm sorry." Miranda released a sob. "I betrayed all of your trust! Please, _please_, forgive me and my dishonorable ways of work! In fact, don't forgive me…I'll go stand in traffic on Broadway!"

Was she seriously considering suicide? Allen couldn't tell, so he did the only thing he could think of.

"I'll wear the apron in the buff!" he exclaimed, arms out. "Just, _stay alive_!"

The dark-haired woman looked at him, a thankful light coming into her eyes. "Oh, thank you so much Allen!" she cried, latching onto the poor boy. "I'll…I'll treat you to lunch one day!"

The promise of food made Allen feel a little better…but not by much.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Sexy, baby!" Lavi crowed, waggling his eyebrow. "The bare ass is a nice touch."

Allen blushed a deep red. "Please, just…_shut up_," he replied calmly, rubbing his temples. He stiffened. "Is there a breeze in here?"

"No, it's just you, 'cause you're naked." The redhead responded. "Now, are you ready for your exciting slice of cake?"

"…Not really."

"Too bad, buddy. Buzz! Toma! Roll out the _cake_!"

With a rumbling roll of wheels from the shadowed corner that led to Kanda's dressing room, two set crew workers rolled out the single most delicious and gigantic cake Allen had ever seen.

His stomach gurgled. "That…looks _so_ bloody good," he said with wide eyes. "Will I be eating _that_?"

Lavi elbowed him, grinning perversely. "Hell yeah, you'll be getting a slice of that. Now stand and look sexy while I bounce back to snap some photos." The cake was rolled onto the set, with Toma and Buzz, using extreme caution, slowly picking the heavy cake up and placing it on the ground.

"Is that good enough?" Toma asked Lavi.

The photographer held a thumb up. "That's just fine!" he replied. He waved his hand at the two. "Now, get the hell off the set…I've _got_ to get these pictures!" The eighteen-year-old bit his bottom lip in glee.

The two workers hurriedly got off the set, taking their dolly with them. Allen stood in front of the cake, licking his lips.

"When can I eat it?"

Lavi choked on his laughter. "Hold on, pal," he said. Adjusting the camera, the older man grinned. "Stand over the cake as sexily as possible (and when I say sexy, I mean _wham!_ I've just been hit with an erection sexy)."

And at that moment, Allen also decided that he was going to get Lavi, and he would get Lavi in a way that wasn't nearly as disastrous as how he would get Kanda, but it would still be _good._

Allen stood over the cake, frowning as he tried to resist the urge to eat the damned delicacy.

"Ooo, _nice_!" Lavi snapped several pictures. "Now, run your finger over the frosting and lick it."

Much more up Allen's alley. Touching the pink frosting carefully, the young actor brought the finger to his mouth and licked it.

A picture was snapped immediately.

"Oh _man_," Lavi whined. "You are way too good at this, man!"

"I suppose that's good?"

"Better than good, kid." The redhead corrected. "That's _great_. Now, the part we've all been waiting for!" He pointed a finger at a tall, Asian man to the side of the set. "Drumroll, _please_!"

The Asian man gave up a half-assed drumroll sound.

Lavi went with it anyway.

"Are you ready to eat the cake?" he asked sweetly, hands on his hips.

Allen nodded with a bit more excitement than he should've shown.

"Then, prepare yourself, becaaaause…!" He inhaled a large breath. "The cake is a lie!"

With that, an ever familiar Japanese model thrashed through the top of the cake, breathing heavily and face enraged.

The shock on Allen's face was more than enough to make Lavi cry tears of joy, because he was struggling quite hard to not laugh his ass off.

"O…Okay, okay," he wheezed, snapping a picture. "That was just for the hell of it. Now, remember how you've wanted to eat that damn cake this whole time, Al?"

The British boy shook his head, the memory escaping him with the revealing of Kanda as the delicious cake that he must eat.

"Refresh it, because you're gonna get a big slice today," he cackled, eye closed. "Just lick the cake off of Yuu's face."

"You want me to do what with what?" Allen demanded, snapping out of his stupor.

Kanda scowled, offended. "I don't want your damn tongue on my body either way, so fuck you too."

"All you need to do is lick the cake off of Yuu's face," Lavi assured. "That is probably the most explicit and hardcore thing in this set."

"I'm _naked_ in nothing but a pink apron." Allen deadpanned.

"I'm _naked_ in a fucking cake." Kanda growled as well.

"At least it isn't porn, okay?"

The two shared a look, an expression that clearly spoke volumes of "Bullshit".

"Just lick the damn cake! I need to get _paaaaid_!" the photographer whined.

Allen, who would rather jump off the empire state building, leaned in closer to the taller man. "If I lick you anywhere but your cheek," he whispered. "I give you total rights to kill me."

The long-haired man snorted. "Like I wasn't going to do that in the first place. Now _please_ for god's sake, lick me!"

"That was a total cup of hot!" Lavi yelled, giving them a thumb up. "Keep it up!"

"_Now_!" Kanda hissed.

Allen ran his tongue against the older man's cheek slowly, savoring the delicious taste of the cake while trying to ignore the taste of Kanda's bare skin.

The pictures were flashed almost immediately.

"Fab'!" the redhead said happily. "Now, next pose! Lick the cake off of Yuu's chest!"

"But you said—"

"Did I ever mention that I'm a dirty, dirty liar?" Lavi grinned. "Because I'm totally a dirty, _dirty_ liar."

Kanda, whose face was a fairly unattractive red, snarled rather violently. "I hate this job!" he hissed. "And I blame _you_!" He pointed at Allen accusingly, who simply licked a misplaced chunk of cake off his finger, because the cake was good and he was hungry.

With a snap, Lavi got a picture of the scene. "You read my mind, baby!" he crowed in glee. "Now, try again, with _style_!"

"W-why?" the white-haired boy asked, annoyed.

"Because money makes the world go round, now lick 'em off good!"

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"I'm going to go throw up in the bathroom." Allen informed Kanda, who nodded in understanding.

"I think I might've gotten three different STDs," he grumbled, rubbing his skin in paranoia.

Lavi walked by. "You want a threesome, just call me!" he said, waggling his eyebrows, even the one underneath his wild red brush of hair. "You two are just too hot together, much like me and my paycheck!" He walked away with a bounce in his step, albeit quickly enough so Kanda couldn't choke his stupid neck.

Lo Fwa stalked by Kanda, throwing the Japanese man a dirty look, which he responded to with a simple raise of an eyebrow. She huffed and continued on her way.

Komui decided he'd take that time to pop by as well, grinning. "So, how was the set?" he asked, smirking. Allen stumbled out the bathroom at this point. "Did you two learn any lessons?"

"To listen to you before we agree to any other assignments," the British actor muttered with his hands behind his back.

"To never let the bean sprout decide things for me, because he's a fucking idiot." Kanda replied instead.

"Shut _up_! You act like I've done things like this before!"

"I don't know you like that, so maybe you have! You shut up first!"

The Chinese man smiled. "Just as long as you learned your lesson, we're just fine."

He walked off, leaving the two standing in the middle of the hallway, arguing.

"Augh!" Allen cried suddenly, sticking out his tongue. "I can still taste you!"

"My skin isn't tingling in joy, either, brat."

**END 9**

* * *

OMFG THE GAY. THE _GAAAAY_. THE HOMO, IT TOTALLY EXISTS IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE TITLE.

No, I seriously didn't think it'd get to be too gay. But, just look at it now. :D I'm actually becoming proud of this story.

Emiggax, who continuously reminded me of the penis escapade, wanted Allen to be naked in the apron when I explain this chapter's plot to her. I said "Okay" like a true dumbass, and now this chapter has, like, 3,000 words of almost gay porn.

I'll attempt to update earlier next time, with effort. :D Have a great day.


	10. Wild Wild West

**The Incredible You**

YEAH NEW CHAPTER

IT'S A TOTALLY FULL AND EXCITING CHAPTER

AND I AM VERY PLEASED.

_

* * *

Chapter Nine – __Wild Wild West?_

"I say we try this one."

"I say you kill yourself." Kanda snatched the paper from the boy's hand and threw it behind his back. "That idea was stupid."

Allen huffed, offended. "It was _not_!" he retorted. "All we'd have to do is pretend."

"To be _crazy_." The Japanese model narrowed his eyes. "I don't know about you, but I have limits in what I model. And modeling a fucking crack? Not too sexy, in my opinion."

"You would make a fantastic mental asylum patient!" Allen insisted, shifting through the other projects. "I mean, you already have the obsessive-compulsive disorder, not to mention the way your face looks when you wake up in the morning. Where I'm from, whackos look just like you when you wake up."

"Then you must mean fucking sexy." Kanda replied, shrugging. "And where I'm from, the mentally unstable are treated like herpes. I don't feel like pretending to be herpes."

"Now _that_ isn't very sexy." The white-haired teenager sniffed. His gray eyes flashed over a wayward paper. "What about this?"

"Oh yes, because I can totally fucking see it. What the hell is it?"

Allen kicked him underneath the table, reveling in the pained hiss that slipped past the thin lips. "It's really quite interesting," he said, smiling. "Something about Native Americans, cowboys, and…and bondage."

"Throw that shit away."

"Ah, wait…" he blinked. "The description here says: 'Set Number 34, _Dances With Wolves_', requested by…' Kanda, I can't say this." Allen held the paper out to the older teenager.

The model took the paper roughly. "Little kid," he muttered. "It says: 'requested by _Wild Wild West_'? What the fuck? Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, there's more."

"No shit, Sherlock. 'Situation: Two men, one donned as a good-looking Native American, other as an attractive cowboy. The Native American is to attack the cowboy, and they are to proceed to tussle. Gay sex is definitely an option.'" Kanda stared at the paper. "…Why the fuck do most of these sets _always_ include gay sex in some way?"

"This world is deprived." Allen grumbled, rubbing his temples. "I think I'd rather be a whacko than a homosexual Native American."

"Who says you would be the Indian, with your white ass?"

"And _you_ aren't pale-skinned?"

Kanda glanced at him for a moment, and then got out of his seat. "You're a dumbass," he answered easily. "I don't have to have a tan. I'm a _professional_."

Allen rolled his eyes. _A professional bitch is a much more accurate statement_, he thought with a bright smile. "You are so right, Kanda."

"Hell yes. So, we're going with this one, right?"

"Gay Western?" This world really _was_ deprived. "Sure. Why not?"

----

"A _gay western_?" Komui repeated, an eyebrow cocked. "You two are just regular suckers for punishment, aren't you?"

"Well, we did consider the consequences," Allen replied, legs crossed and smiling. "And, after much speculating, we came to the conclusion that we won't have the gay sex this time."

The Chinese man's other eyebrow shot up. "_This_ time?"

Kanda resisted the urge to slam his head onto the recently polished cherry wood desk. "Just…_shut up_," he hissed, rubbing his temples. "You are NOT allowed to talk anymore."

"What? How are you to tell you what I can and cannot say?"

"Someone who is sick and fucking _tired_ of you saying stupid shit. Like usual. Don't you get tired of not thinking?"

"I'm just as sick and tired of not thinking as you are sick and tired of living so long without a brain. Sorry Kanda, but we're not in Kansas anymore."

Before Kanda's fist could lovingly smash into Allen's face, Komui stood up. "Gay western it is!" he exclaimed happily, his spectacles almost twinkling in the florescent light. "Just, please, don't kill each other."

Allen smiled. "I have better things to do than to dirty my hands with his blood."

"I think he should schedule a suicide," Kanda replied instead, arms crossed stubbornly. "Killing himself is simply the best alternative."

"You two get along _so well_." Komui's finger hovered over the red button underneath his desk, ready to call for security in case the two started fist fighting. "So, uhm, _yes_, please leave. Remember to check your fax machine!"

"What fax machine?" Allen scoffed. "This bloody twit _broke_ the poor machine. Threw it out the window and hit an ambulance, the shame."

"Whoa." Kanda blinked. "I did not hit an ambulance. It was a police car. Idiot."

"Right. Because that makes it _so much_ more legal." The white-haired boy observed the back of his hand, lips thinned. "It wasn't very legal, by the way."

"Your _existence_ isn't very legal."

The Chinese man, even though he wasn't a direct participant in the verbal war, was getting annoyed. "Get out of my office. _Please_."

"Fine!" the Japanese model stood up, sniffing in offense, and stalked out of the office irritably. But, that wasn't a good description, since his expression was irritable by _default_.

Allen huffed. "Prick," he muttered, standing up as well. He smiled at Komui, nodding. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Actually, Allen, there's something I needed to talk to you about anyway."

What could the man _possibly_ want to talk to him about, except—"You're taking me off my diet?!" Thank _God_, because if this kept up, he'd be anorexic or something.

Then again, maybe that was the hot trend with all the models. He'd have to ask Kanda.

"Uh. No." Komui smiled at the devastation that spelled itself out on the poor boy's facial expression. "It's concerning Marian. Your manager?"

The white-haired teenager cocked an eyebrow. "Oh. Him. He doesn't exist to me right now, so please tell him to leave a message after the tone." Allen stood up at that, brushing off the seat of his pants.

The Chinese man looked around, as though there might be someone listening in on the conversation. "Here's the deal," he said quietly to the fifteen-year-old, who looked at him as though he were an idiot. "Marian dropped you from the movie—err, what was it called?" He looked through the messy pile of papers on his desk. "Uh, _Crucible of History_?"

Allen looked rather sad at that. "That's such a shame," he replied, running his fingers through his hair. "I was looking forward to playing '_Martin Luther_'. I was scheduled to get a bad accent, for the part, that is. A German philopher…" he sighed wistfully at the thought. "I was so excited."

"Um." Komui fixed his glasses. "Right. _Anyway_," he intertwined his fingers in a ridiculously professional way, which didn't fit his personality very well in Allen's well-versed opinion. "He said that you'd be much more fitted for the movie…uh…_Somewhat Human_?"

"What?" _Somewhat_ _Human_? Somehow, someway, it sounded like a porno in the teenager's ears. Maybe there was something wrong with Allen. "Okay. Um. _Why_?"

"Because it paid more money, and I totally understand his logic."

"Which is funny, because you just might be the _only_ one." Allen smiled. "Well then, why are you telling me this?"

"Well, mainly—"

**END.**

* * *

WHY SO SHORT?

Because I am being harassed. D: I do not enjoy being harassed, and I do not enjoy having people associated with me being harassed. You want the full chapter? Then, give me some time to want to write it.

Until then—consider The Incredible **YOU** (not Yu, not Yuu) on hiatus. Until Any Way You Want It is complete. Because, clearly, I care more about it. Emi forgot this fanfic existed.

Although, I might be willing to put this up for adoption or some shit like that. :D Someone else might care more in that way.

(Btw I cannot reply to your complaints if you are anonymous. :) Try harder.)


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